My daughter was a first place failure.
I remember the days when first place meant you were, you know, in first place. Apparently now you can get first place but still have 7 or 8 kids ahead of you. I am not sure how that works, but that is what happened at the science fair my daughter entered. She was a first place failure, and she wasn’t very happy about it.
Your daughter is going to succeed thousands of times in life, but she is going to fail thousands of times also. How your daughter responds to failure will have a huge impact on what kind of person she will be.
I failed to make the basketball team in 5th grade. Ever since that day I have loathed basketball. I was the wrong kind of failure. I want so much more for my daughter. I want her to be the kind of failure Abraham Lincoln was or Lewis from Meet the Robinsons. They understood that failure just gets you one step closer to success. People with that growth mindset are the people who succeed in life.
I want to help my daughter succeed, so I need to help her learn to fail. Here are a few ideas to help your daughter fail better.
Find other failures.
Next time your daughter has failed at something, do a quick google search to find other people who have failed. Did you know Dr. Seuss had his first book rejected by 27 publishers. He has now sold over 600 million copies of his books! Print out a picture like this one of Michael Jordan and tape it to your daughter’s mirror for inspiration.
Commiserate but don’t wallow.
Failure is difficult. It stings. Allow your daughter to feel the pain of failure, but have her set a limit. She can mope and pout and gripe about the failure all she wants for…let’s say one hour. Help her vent about the unfairness of the judges or the meanness of the other competitors during that hour too so she knows you are on her side. After that hour is done, though, it is time to move on.
Plan how to fail less next time.
Once the griping session is through, it is time to move on to the action step. Here is where she learns to think through her failure. Maybe she failed because she hadn’t practiced enough or didn’t study the correct things. Help her come up with a plan so next time she won’t make those same mistakes. Plan to cut out all the reasons for failure that are in her control.
Celebrate failure.
Yes, you read that correctly. Help your daughter celebrate failure. Help her look at it not as something to be avoided at all costs but as a part of life that is just as important as success. If she failed her math test, then she can celebrate that she is in a class that will challenge her and make her better. If she didn’t make the volleyball team, she can celebrate all the extra time she will have to prepare for basketball tryouts. We as a family even celebrate relationship failures. When a “boyfriend” broke her heart in elementary school and she was upset about it, we fixed a cherry dump cake to celebrate her being dumped. She is now sharing that tradition with her friends.
I did use some questionable terminology at the start of this post, though. I called her a first place failure. My daughter is not and never will be a failure. She will fail, but failure will not define who she is. Please help your daughter see the difference between failing and being a failure, between losing and being a loser.
Helping your daughter fail forward is a tough task, but I have confidence that you can do it mamma!
